A Night Like This

STRAIGHT CASH“Looks cold and rainy outside”, I think to myself. “I’d sure hate to be out there today…”

[DING] Google Reminder: Hearing before Judge Robinson today at 11:30…

No, don’t worry, I won’t be schlepping to the courthouse in bad weather. That’s for fogies. Evidentiary hearings are done on Skype nowadays. Which is good, because I’m so warm in my robe. How anyone practices law in a “brick and mortar” setting is beyond me… morons.

“Good morning, Judge Robinson. I emailed you all the defendant’s exhibits before hand. Just a sec… cat! Get down from the counter! Sorry about that, Your Honor. My cat is always up on the counter, such a bad kitty. In any event, the court and opposing counsel have been emailed my exhibits. Anyway, my witness should be logging into Skype shortly. If I may make a proffer, Ms. Jones is going to testify to…”

That went well. I think I’ll go to the gym and do some food shopping. Then maybe take a nap. Work life balance is important, you know.

[DING] “Dear Jordan: we need to schedule depositions. Please give me some dates you are available. Your office or mine?”
Reply: “I don’t have an office, and I will be on a beach in France all of next month, so we’ll need to do them over Skype.”
Opposing counsel: “Sounds great.”
Reply: “You don’t need to mail me a confirmatory letter. I’m a virtual lawyer, so I don’t get mail. Emails are all I accept.”

Oh cool, an email from a new client. How did I get this client? No, I didn’t meet them out at the bar. No, I didn’t meet them through a civic association, or through an organization I’m in, nor were they referred to me.

“Networking” and having a good reputation is for old people.

I did it the new way – by manufacturing a reputation on the internet. I wrote a blog post and Tweeted about taxes. Based on my blog and Tweets, this guy decided to trust me with some of the most important legal decisions in his life. How cool is that, eh? Here I am sitting on my couch, raking in new clients AND being a lawyer.

But why would anyone hire me, you ask? Look, I’ve been told that “building a reputation” takes a long time… that you have to get out there and rub elbows with other lawyers, impress judges, write stuff, and impress other members of the bar.

That’s a load of baloney from old people who are scared of me stealing their clients. Building a reputation by being good at what you do is like using a typewriter!

The new way is to manufacture a reputation on the internet! It’s quite simple, when you think about it. Figure out something you think will make you a lot of money. Say… taxes. Write a bunch of blog post about taxes, and then tweet all your blog posts. Pay people to “guest blog”, and anyone you can to repeat what you’ve written. Once you’ve written enough about a subject and told everyone you’re an expert, guess what? You’re an expert! Sure, you’re not actually an expert on the subject, but you are a perceived expert on Google. And that isn’t all that matters? As long as people think you’re an expert on something, they’ll pay you lots of money. I learned this technique in the 4 Hour Workweek, in the chapter about manufacturing expertise. You can become an expert on anything in just 4 weeks. Since getting clients doesn’t require any actual skills, and once they’ve paid you, who really cares anyway?

Life as a virtual lawyer is awesome. You really can do anything over the internet. Thanks to technology, I never have to go court when it’s raining or trek halfway across the state to take a deposition.

Virtual lawyering is all the good parts of law without the crappy parts. Plus, you don’t even need any actual skills to do it – you just need to convince people that you have them!

Now, just pay me $500 a month to coach you, and I promise you, this will become your reality.

Trust me, I’m an expert…

4 Responses to A Night Like This

  1. Oh for fuck’s sake. How did that garbage wind up on Forbes?

  2. (Sorry for swearing on your law blog.)

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