Oh man, I was selected as a Thomson Reuters Super Lawyers™ Rising Star again. Third year in a row babeeeeeee!
Yes, I have a TikTok, @Black_Metal_Lawyer. I think I am pretty funny. You may have a different opinion. I also have an Instagram as @Black_Metal_Lawyer. Note there is another Black Metal Lawyer on instagram but his handle is @BlackMetalLawyer without the underscores. He is an imposter, I will not be linking to him because he is not me and this blog is all about me. (Sorry, Ben).
For the supreme honor of being a Super Lawyers™ Rising Star, I have now unlocked the access to constant spam emails from vendors who want to sell me shit to remind me how Super of a Lawyer I am. I also have access to a catalog of various marketing things that Thomson Reuters wants to sell me.
I am going to share some of the benefits of being a Super Lawyers™ Rising Star. (I am not going to post images because Thomson Reuters is a large corporation and lots of money to throw at lawyers so if I do that they will probably sue me or at least write me a nastygram, and I do not care to deal with that while I am trying to do real legal work for my clients. I will, however copypasta. All capitalization and titles are directly from the site).
• “PREMIUM ONLINE FIRM PROFILE” – $400.00/mo
• “ONE-THIRD STANDARD PROFILE, Philadelphia magazine, Published in June 2021, Readership: 852,000” – $5,500.00, but free shipping!
• “MEN’S GOLF GLOVE” – $29.00 + $10.00 S/H. It has a Super Lawyers™ logo for a ball marker, so all of your buddies at the country club can know how Super of a Lawyer you are even if you are bad at golf. It’s white, available in Small, Medium, Large, and in both left and right hand options. It is a Calloway; is that good? I do not golf so I do not know.
• “EXECUTIVE MONEY CLIP, Sterling Silver (.925) executive style money clip with highly polished protective Rhodium finish and hand-engraved with the Super Lawyers logo.” – $200.00 + $10.00 S/H. I guess you can remind your friends that you are a Super Lawyers™ Rising Star when you show them your sick money clip that is empty, because you spent $200.00 on a sterling silver money clip. Remember, you’re not a Super Accountants™ Rising Star.
• “PENDLETON BLANKET WITH CARRIER, Pure virgin wool throw is softly napped and the perfect size to curl up with on the sofa or toss in the car. Each one is still woven in our America mills and comes with a convenient leather carrier.” – $180.00, Free shipping. Pendleton makes nice blankets. This one is a pleasant orange and navy tartan. It does not appear to have any branding though, so this seems like a poor decision if you want all of your non-lawyer pleb friends to know that you are a Super Lawyers™ Rising Star. But if you want a nice blanket, might be ok? I don’t know because I have not bought a Pendleton blanket, it $180.00 a good price?
I made a joke about Super Lawyers™ in a Facebook post back in 2015. It was funny then. It is still funny. I will share it with you even though my Facebook is as private as I can make it because I do not want my clients to see my Facebook (sorry clients, but enjoy this rare glimpse into my personal life).
I should have been a comedian, right? And then metal as hell St. Laurentius would have been my patron. That would have been tight.
Super Lawyers™ is dumb.
[EDIT: Apparently I didn’t pay enough attention when I was screen-shotting the above images because I missed this gem of a comment from someone whose name you might recognize:
Damn, I needed that today.